Lots of Tricks, But No Treats! (A Larkin O’Leary Story)

Chapter One: O’Leary Gets His Assignment

Commander Seamus O’Shay looked at the poster that had been left on his desk by the Scouting Team. Martin Grove Elementary School was having a Halloween party – and look at the grand prize!

Martin Grove’s Halloween Party

October 31st from 3:00-5:00 in the school gym

Prize for Scariest Costume: GOLD COINS!

That he should send one of his officers to retrieve the gold was clear – but which officer should he send?

Major Fergus Finnegan was unmistakably his best officer, but he was already working undercover in the Royal Canadian Mint in Ottawa. There was no way he could pull Fergus off that case. And Major Margaret Malloy was still in the hospital recovering from a broken ankle, so she was definitely out.

Reluctantly, Commander O’Shay pushed the button on his intercom system and shouted at his secretary, “Get me Captain O’Leary.”

As Larkin O’Leary entered his office, O’Shay again felt a prickle of apprehension. There was no doubt that O’Leary had a good track record, but he always seemed to get into some kind of trouble along the way. Would he get into trouble this time? Was it worth the risk?

“O’Leary,” Commander O’Shay said, “I have a delicate job for you. I need you to sneak into this school’s Halloween party to steal their gold coins. And you know the rules. No one, I repeat no one, can see you.”

Chapter Two: O’Leary Goes Undercover

Larkin O’Leary peered cautiously around the big rose bush he was crouched behind. In the summer he would have been nearly invisible, but Fall had contrived to strip the leaves from his hiding place, leaving him vulnerable to view. To compensate, he had rolled himself into a tight uncomfortable ball. His legs were beginning to ache and his arms were being scratched raw by the thorny branches, but the surveillance had been worth it. He could see that every few minutes a bunch of costumed kids would go in the front door of the school. If he timed it just right, no one would see him sneak in to steal the gold coins.

O’Leary unrolled himself from his hiding place, stretching his sore legs. Larkin O’Leary was tall for a Leprechaun. Reaching almost 4”2’, O’Leary stood as high as a typical fourth grader. Looking first to the right, then to the left, O’Leary made a dash for the front door. Stumbling over a tree root, O’Leary fell face forward into a big mud puddle. “Splat,” he spluttered, trying to spit out the mud that he had almost swallowed. Muddy, bruised, scratched and aching, he picked himself up, used his coat sleeve to wipe off his face, and continued up the path to the front door.

Just as O’Leary was about to open the front door, a group of giggling girls came out. Working on instinct, O’Leary dove over the spindly hedge and landed right into the school’s dumpster. “Uggh,” O’Leary groaned as he picked soggy lettuce and tuna salad out of his hair. “Why did O’Shay have to pick me for this job?!”

Miraculously, O’Leary made it into the school without being seen. Keeping close to the wall, O’Leary made his way to the gym. He could see the gold coins sitting on the prize table, right out in plain sight. Surprisingly, no one was guarding the gold. “This is going to be easier than I thought,” he said to himself.

Just as O’Leary thought his assignment was going to be a breeze, a boy wearing a robot costume rounded the corner and shouted, “Hey, stop!”

Chapter Three: O’Leary Bobs for Apples

O’Leary felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. He had just broken rule number ONE of the Gold Retrieval Squad: Don’t let any human see you. Ever!

Before O’Leary could panic, Robot Boy said, “I’m glad you made it, buddy. Your mom told me that you were too sick to come, but I knew you would pull through.”

“Uh, right,” O’Leary mumbled, confused. “I couldn’t feel better.”

“Boy, do you ever smell. And you sound kind of rough,” the robot replied. “I guess it’s your cold. I have to tell you, Greg – your costume is even uglier than you said it would be. What are you supposed to be? A gargoyle?”

Not sure whether to feel insulted or elated, O’Leary just gave the boy a crooked smile.

“Come on, Greg,” the robot said. “You got here just in time to bob for an apple.”

Leprechauns HATE to get wet, which might explain why they only come out after a rainbow colours the sky. So naturally, O’Leary tried to come up with an excuse.

“I ate a big dinner and I am stuffed,” O’Leary improvised. “I think I will just stand over near the prize table and watch.”

“No way,” his robot friend grinned. “You are the champion apple bobber of Martin Grove’s school and you always win a prize.”

“Prize!” O’Leary squealed as he trotted over to the apple bobbing station. Pushing aside a Goldilocks and a Sponge Bob, he muscled his way to the front of the line. After a moment’s trepidation, O’Leary plunged his face into the icy water. Within record time, O’Leary emerged with an apple clenched in his chattering teeth.

The teacher, who was dressed up like a Maple Leaf’s goalie, congratulated O’Leary and handed him his prize – a plastic four-leaf clover the size of a hockey puck. “May the luck of the Leprechauns be with you,” the teacher said.

Chapter Four: O’Leary is Haunted by the Haunted House

“Let’s head over to the Haunted House,” O’Leary’s robot companion said. “They say that some little kid went in last year and never came out!”

O’Leary dried his face on his sleeve for the second time that afternoon. Before he could say ‘No,” the robot grabbed his arm and dragged him over to the darkest part of the gym. There they joined the long line-up of excited kids waiting to show off how brave they were.

O’Leary quickly thought of a plan. He was going to go into the Haunted House where he could loose his robot buddy in the dark. Then he could hurry over to the prize table, grab the gold coins, and head back to headquarters before anyone figured out what had happened.

Stepping into the Haunted House, O’Leary was startled to find that it was even darker than he had imagined. O’Leary stumbled forward, crashing against the sharp corner of a table. “Ohhh,” he cried, rubbing his already bruised and battered leg.

Hearing O’Leary cry, Robot Boy grabbed his arm and said, “Don’t worry, pal. I promise that I won’t let go of you so that you won’t be scared.”

“Just great!” thought O’Leary. “How could this assignment get any worse?!”

O’Leary did not have to wonder for long because just then they had arrived at the “Guess what this is?” table.

“Put your hand in here and tell me what it is?” a bored sounding grade eight girl said to him.

O’Leary put his hand in a bowl of squishy olives. “I don’t know,” he replied. “Something round and rubbery?”

“They are eyeballs,” the older girl intoned.

O’Leary quickly removed his hands from the bowl.

Next he put his hand in a bowl of ketchup.

“Is this soup?” he asked.

“Where are you from, kid?” the grade eight girl asked. “Don’t you know anything about this game? It’s supposed to be blood.”

O’Leary wiped his hands on his shirt and cheered up when his escort was told that it was his turn. Thinking that he would have a chance to escape when Robot Boy took his hands off of him, O’Leary readied himself to run.

In his haste O’Leary once again banged the table, this time sending the cooked spaghetti that Robot Boy was about to say was guts right on top of O’Leary’s own head. He then knocked over the ketchup bowl, which dribbled onto the floor making a slippery puddle at O’Leary’s feet. Of course O’Leary slipped in the puddle and came crashing down on his bottom. An olive rolled off the table and landed with a plop right in his gaping mouth. Sputtering, O’Leary spit out the olive and crawled out of the Haunted House.

“I give up,” O’Leary muttered to himself as for the third time that afternoon he wiped his face with his sleeve.

Chapter Five: O’Leary Finally Wins the Big Prize

O’Leary was banged and battered, bruised and beaten. He was sticky and slimy, slippery and smelly. Not caring any longer about the gold coins, O’Leary started toward the door. He was giving up.

“You can’t go yet,” his robot buddy said. “It’s time for them to announce the winner of the scariest costume.”

The Principal of Martin Grove walked to the front of the crowd to make her announcement. “There are so many wonderful costumes this year,” she began. “Some are creepy and some are scary, but none look as grotesque and gruesome as that young man who is standing right there,” said the Principal as she pointed to O’Leary. “How you managed to make yourself look so revolting and repulsive is beyond me?! Come and get the bag of gold coins.”

O’Leary proudly stood his full 4”2’ as he collected his prize.

Chapter 6: O’Leary Brings Home the Gold Coins

Commander Seamus O’Shay’s jaw dropped when he saw Captain Larkin O’Leary slump into his office. He had never seen an officer look this disheveled (or smell that bad) before.

“Welcome back, O’Leary,” O’Shay said as he extended his hand. “We are all very proud of the work that you have done. You have demonstrated courage and quick-wittedness in the line of duty. Sit down and show me what you have brought back.”

O’Leary hoisted the bag of gold coins onto his superior officer’s desk. The coins made a wonderful sound as they spilled out of the bag. Together both men stopped and stared at the magnificent sight – a small mountain of gold! There is nothing that a Leprechaun loves more than a mound of gold.

O’Shay picked up one of the gold coins and looked at it admiringly. Prospectors used to bite into gold to test its purity, and this is exactly what O’Shay did now. His smile quickly turned to a frown.

“O’Leary!” O’Shay shouted. “This isn’t gold. It’s chocolate!”